How to Fail as an Artist, Step One

Welcome to a new series of articles that will be wedged in every now and then in between reviews and me tooting my own horn. This series details everything you need to know to fail as an artist.

First, as even the most gullible of babes knows, money makes the world go 'round. So only make art for money. Why waste you time beating your breast, scouring your soul, and plumbing the depths in search of greater truth? No one will pay to see something like that.

What you need is something that will bring in the dough. And you should never work on anything that won't bring it in.

One of the best ways to bring the money in is to create an uproar. Try going to your town or city's main square and painting the town's most beloved monument red. This always provokes a response. Not to long ago a pair of artists (wink, wink) put up some flashing signs with a cartoon character flashing the finger at passersby. They could not have had better luck when it was mistaken for a terrorist bomb. This is just the type of creative thinking you need to make your bank account full.

If you are of a more delicate disposition, might I suggest dogs. Puppies are even better, but dogs will do. Everyone has a soft spot for Fido. At the very least people love their own pets no matter how much they complain of the neighbors'. So start painting pet portraits. It's not nearly as likely to land you in jail and people just love them.

So remember, there are lots of ways you can put your art to work for you. Don't concern yourself with that new-age psychobabble about 'finding yourself.' Get out there and find some money!